Back To Me

This is not some hidden message I promise you

I happen to have a number of friends who are currently pregnant (Pocklock, Jen, Nilsa and two others that I can't disclose right now) so there's a lot of talk about hormones and cleaning and organizing baby clothes and decorating the nursery oh my! and I absolutely love it but it's gotten me feeling all nest-y.  I must be in the process of some type of New Age self-renewal process because man do I have Plans.  Plans to finish decorating the house. . .RIGHT NOW!  Plans to clean out that junk drawer and organize it because how can we possibly live with a section of commingled batteries of all shapes and sizes?  No Sir we can not!  I went out last week and procureda Swiffer Wet Jet to mop the entire house--all 1450 square feet of it--and burned through three mopping pads and an entire bottle of solution, such was my dedication to spotless floors.  Theo even called me out on it the other day and said, "Mom? Can you. . .STOP cleaning?"  Like he was some annoyed teenager and I was embarrassing him in front of his friends Annette Benning/American Beauty style.  Bryan nearly split his sides from laughing so hard.

I think, if I'm going to get all psychoanalytical about it, this stems from the fact that I never got to nest when I was pregnant with Theo because of bed rest and him arriving early.  Then it's been full speed ahead with one thing or the other since he's been born.  Our life has not been without chaos these last two years is what I'm saying.  So now, things are good.  Really good.  And I finally feel in a place to get things how I want them, OCD aside.  Plus if you think about it, I'm doing the whole family a huge favor by keeping our lives chipper and organized.  Funny that I'm doing this now with a two year old walking around behind me gleefully un-doing all my organizational efforts WHILE NARRATING.  "I pull this off the table Mommy!  See?  Watch!  Watch!  I make it fall down!  Awww, look at this terrible mess I made!  You pick it up Mommy?"

It doesn't seem to be stopping with just crumbs and dust either.  Oh no.  I need a new couch.  Clearly I can not live without a new couch because the one we have has been around the block more times than I care to mention.  Stains and smells and lumps and sags.  Ugh.  Bed rest did not keep the love alive in that relationship and if I could get rid of it today I would.  Also?  Our mattress!  As in, we need a new one!  Our backs are hurting and our quality of sleep could be exponentially better if we were to have a new mattress.  I've had it since college and it has moved eight times in twelve years.  I think it's time for it to go live on a farm where it can romp and play in the sunshine with the warm breeze.  And as long as we're getting a new mattress we clearly need all new bedding after the Chemical Fume Fiasco of 2009.  Because putting that old sullied bedding on a brand new mattress set would be against the laws of nature.  So a new comforter, pillows and sheets are also a must.  I did mention the pillows, right?

Sigh.  I'm a danger to myself is what it is.  THANKS A LOT, FERTILE FRIENDS!

Our stuff--look some more!

I realize I left off here with having you look at our belongings.  These aren't the most Martha Stewart Living photos you'll ever see, so forgive me.

View from the door into our bedroom.  A few things:  the walls were this dark color WITH those drapes when we moved in.  We're renting so we're not planning on making any huge changes.  Personally, with the dark walls I would have picked a cream or ivory drape to brighten it up but hey, wasn't my decision.  Also, ghetto bed:  after all the trauma we had with the chemicals in our old apartment I am skeeved out by our previous red bedding.  No matter how many times I could wash it I still don't want it on our bed.  So this is my old comforter and I can't find the bed skirt or pillow shams. There are a few sets that I'm looking at as a replacement and to brighten the room but it's not a priority purchase at this point.  Opinions?  Can't be too light because we have a cat and a toddler.  That's stain material right there.

Our dresser is dark and the floors are dark too.  See why I need a brighter comforter?  It plagues me.

I love the glass door knobs on the closets.  TWO! CLOSETS!

Our dining room?  Is huge.  This is half of it, also known as Theo's Half.  It's actually the perfect place to have his toys out of our way as it's in the back of the house.  The table in the back is called The Tiny Table and Theo loves to eat his meals there.  My mom got it for him and it's the perfect size.  We love looking out the window at the animals nibbling on the grass and climbing our trees.  Makes for great dinner conversation.

Sorry for the bad lighting.  Again with the huge room.  Our table looks like a postage stamp in there.  I'd LOVE a new table and chair set in the worst way.  Something a little more formal with cushy chairs.  Trust me, being seven months pregnant sitting in those chairs made for a less than enjoyable eating experience.

Any decorating tips?  I've seen HGTV.  So I'm thinking a little under that budget thanks.  

Considering a polygraph

We have a shed in our backyard.  'Rustic' would be the word to describe it as the wood is rotting and it's not the most stable structure you've ever seen.  But it does the job of housing the lawnmower and some tools, so whatever.  We don't own the property so it's not on our list of priorities at all.

Theo calls it The Barn which, from a toddler point of view, makes sense.  We see The Barn from the dining room and he talks about it a lot.  "Aw, squirrel on da barn! So ca-uuuute!"  "Look mommy, kicked ball by da barn!"  But a week ago. . .he started saying something ELSE about The Barn.

It was early in the morning, not yet seven o'clock and Theo and I were plodding around the kitchen and dining room.  The sun was coming up and it was a bit foggy.  Bryan was still asleep and the house was otherwise quiet, aside from the cat meowing for breakfast.  Then, out of nowhere, Theo points to the backyard and said, "Man live in da barn mommy."  Okay, I know he's two and isn't the most trustworthy source when it comes to information, especially since he lies about the contents of his diaper even when the smell can knock you over dead, but still.  He freaked me OUT.  Because I then immediately pictured some zombie ghost-like GUY appearing out of the vapor and coming towards our house and then when I try to run or scream I'm stuck in slow motion and can't move to save my family and OH GOD THE THINGS I CONJURED UP IN MY HEAD.  Instead I gave a little laugh and mentioned trains and Theo was off on something else.

I had forgotten about the incident until yesterday, who knows why, so I mentioned it to Bryan.  He laughed and said that Theo said the same thing to him a few days before.  We paused and then decided the best thing to do was to create a horrid scenario of The Guy Who Lives In Our Barn and let me just say that by the time our imaginations were finished we were ready to pack up and move.  Okay, well, maybe me more than Bryan but still.  AIEEEEE.  And ESPECIALLY since I'm dealing with Haunted House At Workplace, this is the last thing I'm prepared to deal with.  Doctor Spock makes no mention of this in his books!

*************

I have a new Craftastrophe post up today.  It's all about the accessories.

As SOMEone around here would say: "MINE!"

I know I promised pictures of the house with OUR stuff in it ages ago and I hesitated to take pictures because things aren't still 100% how I want them.  I have a list on the side of the fridge of Wants for the house but if I waited until that list was fulfilled we might be eighty years old.  So here's how it is now, with modifications to come.

I love our front entryway.  The curve in the foyer mimics the curved window on the door.  We hang our keys on the mirror with hooks which doesn't really make sense as we use the back door to the garage the majority of the time. But this looks better hung here.

Our landlord gifted us this bookshelf.  It fits the space perfectly and we are always in need of places to put our books.  Even with my compulsive tendencies, I love a messy bookshelf as I feel it's inviting.  I want people to be able to walk over, peruse our selection, and pull some titles out.  We lend books out all the time and I think it's because our books are displayed in an inviting way, as opposed to rigidly placed according to size or title. I have our wedding album and wedding picture on the top shelf so Theo can't mess with them.  (Also?  That's the Santa phone.  Whenever Theo picks it up to call someone it's always Santa.  Never anyone else and I don't know where he got that idea, though I think it's awesome.)

Our red couch, which I want to replace oh-so-desperately.  I want an L-shaped sofa now that Theo's bigger as uh, he has a knack for stretching out taking up the space of three grown men.  We need more room.  We also totally need an area rug but I don't want to get one until we get a new couch which will be in a different color (I'm thinking a steel grey/taupe-ish color if that makes sense), so for now we have a naked living room floor.  The photos on the back wall are old calendar pages that I framed, suggestion by my BFF Kristin.

Our coffee table is now a play area and I put it in front of the window so Theo could have more room to run around. It's also in front of our big picture window as he watches the squirrels and people walking their dogs.  Ideally I want a storage ottoman since the wood is not holding up against toddler toys.  If I could go back in time and shake my newly engaged self while registering for furniture I certainly would.  Also, I know SOMEthing needs to go in that huge gaping hole to the left of the television but can't figure out what.  Usually that's reserved for parking Theo's tricycle and lawn mower (which will go outside once the weather decides what the eff it's doing.)  Our arm chair and floor lamp are to the right.

Here is Theo's toy area to the left.  I want to make a huge photo montage on that wall but that involves 1). going through all our photos and selecting ones that are print and frame worthy 2). actually printing out said photos 3). buying frames 4). doing all the necessary measuring and planning and oh my god I should just HIRE someone to do this one simple task.  But that naked wall haunts me. 

All of Theo's books (except for a few on the bottom--he's not quite into Janet Evanovich or the Bourne series yet. We're working on that.).  I had his birthday cards displayed up there because it made me happy, and they are blocking our silver service tea set from Bryan's great grandmother.  If we had a formal dining room set I'd have it out on a buffet or hutch so until then, it's in the living room.  

Our only bathroom.  I'm glad our stuff works with the paint color that was already in there, as it makes me not feel all twitchy.  We'd like to hang a matching white cabinet above the toilet to provide us with more storage space. Under the sink just doesn't cut it.  All my make-up is in the box on the toilet--I love that thing.

We were very lucky that this room's paint color went with the color scheme to Theo's nursery.  WHEW!  No hot pink here!  And the white trim is just too perfect for words since his furniture is white as well.  My mom got him the rug for his birthday (Circo brand at Target) and it's perfect--he puts his cars and trucks on it and zooms them around.  The Elmo sofa pulls out into a bed which he's too tall for (of course) but we change his diaper on it anyway as he's too heavy for his changing table.  The quilt over the side of his crib was made by my ex co-worker and I have it placed there to prevent light shining into his crib from the window at night.  The neighbors have a MEGA WATT light over their garage and it feels like you're a prison escapee.

Hanging those letters makes me question my will to live and they are STILL crooked and that's all I have to say about THAT.

The changing table is a bit of a catch-all at this point as we can't use it to change his diaper (Read: gigantor baby) but I don't want to remove it and have a gaping hole there.  I want a small wooden table and two chairs to put there and then want to hang his future art work, so once we get those I'll take out the changing table.  The box fan provides blessed white noise which helps Theo sleep and allows us to walk around the house instead of having to learn how to fly.  Also: thank you Target brand diapers for matching our color scheme. 

This is the top of Theo's dresser.  That painting was custom made by an old friend of ours and measures 20" X 20" because that's how long Theo was when he was born.  I love it more than anything and it's my favorite thing in his room.    You can see his birth announcement to the left along with this crib name tag from the hospital nursery and his wee hospital bracelets.  The stuffed koala was sent from a bloggy friend of mine who lives in Australia and Theo adores it.  He has asked to sleep with it more than once, but the flag on a stick makes me want to avoid a puncture wound if at all possible.

I love this glider.  I want to marry it.  When we travel and I'm away from our glider I get pangs in my chest because I miss it so much.  We read stories in it every night, and this was the only place I'd nurse Theo. I love this nook of his room.  The quilt was given to us by Pseudostoops for our baby shower and that is what I planned the room around. The quilt rack is from Pottery Barn Kids but I got it on Craig's List four years ago for $25.  SCORE.  His six and twelve month foot prints are framed on the top shelf and no, we don't have his newborn prints and I'm still upset about it so please don't ask.  His baptism shoes are in the first cubby, and his plaid jaunty cap is on the far right.  I can't believe he was ever that small.

That's it for now.  I never know if these things are boring or not so I'll finish the rest of the house in another post. And if you have any decorating suggestions that aren't too spendy please, I'm all ears!

It happens to the best of us

It amazes me what I find freak-out worthy and what I don't in relation to parenting my child, considering I've been known to hyperventilate around certain husbands brushing their teeth (SERIOUSLY? Just gag me now) as well as run screaming in the other direction when faced with touching a terra cotta pot.  I have my Things, is what I'm saying.  Somehow with Theo I've become more laid-back.  I don't hover, overall I don't fret, and if he face plants on the floor I wait for his reaction first before swooping in with the kisses and hugs.  I know ingesting a little cat hair won't kill him (hairball be damned.)  It took him a wee bit longer to hold his head up and start crawling, but I knew he'd be okay and wasn't in any danger of being developmentally delayed.  I mean, did you SEE the size of his head?  C'mon now, let's give the kid a fighting chance.

But.

There are two areas I will fully admit to being frantic and insane over, and you can judge me all you want.

Sleep:  Do. Not. Mess. With. The. Routine.  If it came down to evacuating a building while Theo was already in bed, I'd want three different forms of proof, preferably government issued, that we really DID need to leave right away before I would wake him up.  I even wrote a post over at Work It, Mom!about our bedtime routine, that is how near and dear it is to my heart.  From the minute I could form a coherent thought after Theo was born, we established routines.  No lights, always quiet, bath then bed.  One time Bryan gave him a bath before giving him dinner and  I might have started to cry because "NO NO NO NOW HE'LL NEVER GO TO SLEEEEEEEEP!"  I had sleep charts.  I had nap charts.  I had a PURPOSE.  And I'm happy to report that it all paid off and we now have a champion sleeper, so while I may have been impossible to deal with in the early days, you can all thank me one at a time now.

Food:  Let me preface this by saying there are no food allergies in our family besides me being lactose intolerant.  So why was I such heavy breathing fanatic when it came to the proper order in which to introduce solids to our son?  I have no idea.  But let me tell you, there was NO LEEWAY.  NONE.  I paid strict attention to the American Academy of Pediatrics in regards to the order and longevity of each new food.  One cereal feeding a day to avoid constipation!  Slowly moving on to two!  Then veggies one at a time!  Two weeks in between to look for signs of allergies!  No honey or nuts!  Whole milk at a year!  I had a list on the inside of our kitchen cabinet detailing what went into Theo's mouth so I would know when I could introduce a brand new food.  I also made all of his purees, and shunned jarred baby food. 

I will never forget, EVER, leaving to go to work one day.  Bryan and Theo were having breakfast and he wasn't yet a year old.  I got down to the car and realized I forgot something so I went back upstairs.  As soon as I opened the door I heard Bryan hurriedly say "Oh, you're back early!  Uh, everything okay?"  It sounded suspicious so I went in the dining room.  Upon first glace everything looked normal.  I leaned in to give Theo another kiss when I saw it--a wee blob of chocolate sauce on the inside corner of his mouth.  Bryan had made himself waffles with whipped cream and chocolate, so it was clear that he had let Theo taste it which was AGAINST PROTOCOL.  I. . .I might have unleashed some rage because "WHAT IF HE HAS A REACTION AND HAS ALLERGIES FOR LIFE?!?  WHAT THEN?"  See also:  same response when Bryan gave Theo a speck of cream cheese off his finger at seven months of age.  Well, I might have cried with that one but who can be sure.

My point is, we all have our Things.  Things that turn an otherwise rational adult into a drill sergent, and make those around them scratch their heads.  So tell me, what is your Thing?  It can be parenthood related or no.  But please, don't make me feel so alone.  Share and share alike.

My thoughts and feelings on everything Christmas related

I took this from Swistle who yanked it from Girl in a Boy House:

Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate fo' sho'

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? Theo isn't even two yet so he really doesn't notice. But I think next year Santa will not be wrapping them. He is trying to be Green.

Colored lights on a tree or white? White.  All the way baby!

Do you hang mistletoe? No.

When do you put your decorations up? I try to shoot for the weekend just after Thanksgiving but usually Life gets in the way.  The sooner the better in those instances.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Um, all of it. No really.  I'm serious.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?We are giving Theo Christmas jammies every year on Christmas Eve so he will be, but us adult-types will not.  We wait until morning.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree?We don't have a theme (which I had never even HEARD about until a few years ago--blew my mind) so whatever ornaments we have collected over the years.  Even though I'm OCD I LOVE the fact that the tree is a mishmash of colors and shapes and memories.  We also have red wooden beads that encircle the tree which I dig.  Next year Bryan wants to add tinsel as that was a tradition in his family growing up.

Snow: love it or hate it? Given where we live I pretty much have to deal with it.  Overall I like it.  Sometimes I love it but rarely do I get enraged about it.  What I DO get enraged about are the other drivers on the road that are unable to function with a light dusting of snow on the ground.  Really people?  C'mon now.

Can you ice skate?If by skate you mean Remain Upright Without Falling Down Too Horribly then yes, yes I can.  Bust out a triple lutz?  Then no.

What is your favorite holiday dessert?Apricot kolatchkis

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Opening presents with everyone

Candy canes: yum or yuck?A solid Meh

Favorite Christmas show? Elf and It's A Wonderful Life

Ooooh this was fun!  If you post this to your blog with your own answers come back and link in the comments.  I'd love to read what you wrote!

Where we hang our hat

Throughout the whole 'being-tossed-out-of-our-home-due-to-circumstances-beyond-our-control' thing we knew we'd need to find a place.  And while the phrase "Beggars can't be choosers" came to mind a few times in the end we were all, "Dude, with what we've just been through you better be damn sure we're going to find a great place and LOVE IT."  So that's what we did and we think we hit the jackpot.  Here are the photos I yanked from the real estate listing site so no, this is not our furniture.  But you can see the largeness of the rooms and the TO DIE FOR hardwoods.  I'll have pictures with all of our lovely belongings (that we hadn't seen in months! Hooray!) soon but until then, our house, let me show you it:

LIVING ROOM: I know, right? That window! The floors! The size! The custom paint color! The white trim! SQUEE!

KITCHEN: Cute huh? The appliances are newer and there are tons of cabinets and drawers which are ALWAYS appreciated.  And that door to the right of the fridge is a pantry! I've never HAD a pantry before so now, because we have a place to store food, we have even MORE cabinet space.  Yeah the counters could stand to be updated but really, we've never been all mouth breathe-y over granite and stainless steel so for us it's perfect.

DINING ROOM (and probably something else): I KNOW.  Just. . .I KNOW.  Could it BE any bigger?  I feel like we need to have some overstuffed chairs off on the other side for a cozy nook or something because dude, the space!  Well, either that or tap dancing lessons.  That open window thing to the right goes into the kitchen for the easy passage of lovingly prepared meals (*cough*).  The door to the back goes into the screened in porch, and alllllllll the windows on the left look into our backyard. 

PORCH:  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

BACK YARD:  Cute as a button.  See the fire pit?  And all the GRASS?  Where the picture is being taken (pretend for a moment that you're the photographer) is a shed to the back right and a raised garden that I will use as a compost heap starting in the Spring.

ONLY BATHROOM:  This is kind of a bummer as we've been used to having two but whatever.  It's a good size and we have a medicine cabinet which has extra storage so it's all good.  I love the crisp white.

MASTER BEDROOM:  It's not super huge but it fits our stuff and the closets are awesome.  Also?  Look at those FLOORS!

THEO'S ROOM:  That Ikea closet thing is gone and is where his crib is now.  It's perfect because his nursery is blue and green and it's already painted! Plus his furniture is white so it just looks so perfect with the trim!  The window to the left overlooks the screened in porch.

OFFICE: The smallest bedroom of the three and it's off the kitchen so it's being used as the office/library/guest room.  Feel free to come on over and spend the night!  It's SOOOO NICE having an extra room I can't even tell you.  But, as with anything, the more room you have the more stuff you get.  And yes, we already have a wish list of Things We Have To Have so it's already begun.

HALLWAY: Here the hallway connecting the kitchen (right), dining room (left) and the bedrooms and living room around the corner.  That white door is the linen closet.

And there you have it.  Our cozy tiny little home.  The neighborhood is fabulous and apparently we'll see tons of kids in the Spring for Theo to frolic around with.  We are already so happy here and welcome visitors so if you're in the area please, stop on by!  

Just trust me on this one m'kay?

I don't remember how it all started, but today over gchat K and I stumbled upon my fear of frogs.  Yes, fear of frogs and yes, as with anything there IS a story involved.

Travel back to the summer of 1996.  I was about to be a Senior in high school.  The world was my oyster!  I had the whole world on a string!  We are the world. . . .we are the children!  Oh, wait.  Sorry.  Anyway, I was in high school and was invited to go with my friend Jodi and her family to their condo in Florida for a week.  We flew in, tossed our luggage in our room and hit the beach for the evening.  By the time we got back we were tired from travel and all the humidity (side note: Florida in the summer? Not the most desirable, weather-wise I gotta say).  Their building had an exterior elevator which was set apart from the condos, which also had exterior doors.  Everything is just so outdoorsy in Florida!

I was wearing a tank top, thus leaving my broomstick teen-aged arm exposed.  We stumbled into the elevator, pushed the button, and leaned against the wall to rest.  Jodi was at the other end of the elevator across from me.

I suddenly felt something on my arm.  Since I knew I was by myself I was a wee bit puzzled.  I opened my eyes and looked down at my bicep and saw a HUGE FROG the size of my hand suctioned to my arm.  He had to weigh at least three pounds and it was clear he took his bug-eating quite seriously.  If you were to see this frog in a dark alley, you would turn around and high-tail it out of there.  While clutching your purse.

So I did what any person would do in this situation:  I started screaming.  As loud as you can possibly imagine.

Jodi snapped to attention as she must have thought I developed Turrets.  I grabbed the frog (AIEE!) and threw him (he landed safely on the button panel, so no need to contact PETA), then ran over to Jodi and buried my face in her chest and continued to scream.  And scream and scream and scream.  I literally could not stop.

We finally made it up to her floor and we ran out of the elevator as fast as we could into her condo.  Her father had heard me and seriously thought we were getting killed so he was already on his way out.  Once we (well, Jodi since I'm sure I was catatonic at this point) explained what had happened he went out to set the frog free.  But not after poking fun at the situation, of course.  Because really, if you heard screaming like that and found out it was only because of a frog?  That didn't even maul your face?  You'd have something humorous to say as well I'm sure.  But he WAS deadly.  I saw it in his EYES.

To this day I can still feel his little webbed sticky feet on my skin and it heebs me the eff out.  To overcome this trauma, in college I went out and bought frog pajama bottoms.  They are cute and friendly looking cartoon frogs with bucked teeth and it's the cheapest form of therapy I have ever had.

Upon hearing the story in its entirety K asked if she thought Mr. Frog had pajama bottoms of me to get over his fear of screaming high school girls.  Man, I certainly hope so.

Scratch my itch

The Campens Est. 5.26.02
Originally uploaded by samanthajo. 

Today marks our seventh year of wedded bliss.  Not that I ever thought we wouldn't make it this far but man oh man does that seem crazy to me.  Seven years.  SEVEN.  Which means we've been together eight and a half.  I'm not the easiest person to be married to (no really!) so let's take this moment to give some mad props to my husband.  *clapclapclap*

Honey, thank you for always making me belly laugh.  Your made-up songs are the best.  And thank you for making me do the Crabby Crab Walk when I'm in a bad mood, as that always makes me giggle and then I'm not a storm cloud anymore.  And most importantly, thank you for giving me our wonderful son.  I fall in love with you all over again on a daily basis when I see you with him, and I always count my blessings for our family.

I love you bunches--

Samantha

To be used in a court of law

I have further documentation that I am indeed losing my mind.

Exhibit A:

Yesterday was a marathon day at work and after a 10-hour day my brain was mush.  I had literally be talking non-stop and on my feet the entire time.  It was so bad I was actually sick of the sound of my own voice.  Well, I had to call Bryan for something and I dialed his number.  This is what transpired:

Him: (blase) Hello?

Me: Hey, how's it going?

Him: Fine.

M: How's your day?

Him: Good.  (These one-word answers are TOTALLY unlike him and I was getting irritated by his lack of enthusiasm)

M: What is WRONG with you?

Him: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

M: (after a pause) Is this Bryan?

Him: No.

So yeah, I dialed the wrong number and couldn't tell that the voice wasn't my husband's.  In my defense however, I will say this guy didn't speak enough to get a lot of detail.  And mad props to him for being snippy to me right back.  Well done sir.

Exhibit B:

Theo's new passion is puzzles.  We have some great ones from Melissa and Doug and he loves them, especially the transportation one that makes noise when the appropriate piece gets places in the correct slot.  The fire truck makes a siren noise and the airplane makes a jet engine noise, etc.  Well, we brought a puzzle in the car to combat any meltdowns and some pieces are still floating around in the back seat.  While driving to work today the puzzle made a police siren noise.  My first reaction was to look in my rear view mirror to see if a cop was there.  There wasn't a cop but there was a tow truck who had lights on.  In a panic, and not realizing it was in fact the puzzle making noise, I then proceeded to PULL OVER to make way for a TOW TRUCK.  I won't tell you how long it took me to realize what the heck had just happened.

My lawyer will be calling witnesses soon.