On Getting By

Before I had Theo I was always amazed when I saw someone out shopping with their kid at nine o'clock at night.  I mean, don't kids go to be early?  That's what all the books recommend, or so I was sure.  And if those kids started acting up I was convinced it was because of poor parenting choices which led to them being over-tired when they should clearly be home snug in their cribs.  So I judged.

In high school, after I got my brand new Honda Civic (may he RIP), I would drive around with teenager self righteousness and my head held high.  My sweet ride was clean and new.  I had the means to take care of it.  Then I'd see cars with dents or loose bumpers, a crack in the windshield or rust on the door and think, "Why do they drive AROUND like that?  Just get the car fixed and stop being so LAAAAZY."  So I judged.

When I worked at an animal shelter right after we got married I saw pets who were given up by families all the time.  The most common reason was baby related, such as "The baby has allergies" or "The dog is aggressive towards the baby and won't calm down."  Cats were given up because of litter box issues.  And no matter what, every single time I had to meet with someone who choked out one of these excuses I was burning with rage.  Caring for a pet is a commitment!  How could they just THROW AWAY a member of the family?  So I judged.

It's hard not to judge people, let's be honest.  To form a snap judgment and size them up with your own certainty.  Hold them to your stereotype.  But I sit here today a totally different person and honestly know and believe that people are just doing the best they can.  Granted, there are always exceptions to this rule.  But overall I know that especially in today's economy everyone is just trying to make it through.  Make it through the day, the week, until the next check comes in.  Decisions are made for the better but may not always be easy.

How am I to know that the mother in the grocery store isn't a single parent, just worked a twelve hour shift and had to bring her baby out in order to get food? That she truly WANTED her baby to be home and sleeping but the food was a necessity and she had to do what she had to do? 

What if that person with the busted up tail light and dent in the trunk can't afford to pay his insurance deductible in order to get it fixed?  That he would much rather continue to pay his rent and have a place to live then make sure his car is aesthetically pleasing?  His car gets him to and from work, is able to pick up and drop off the kids at school, and gets him to church on Sundays.  That money is better served for necessities rather than giving it to the guy at the repair shop.  He may not like it, but he had to choose.

When a woman came to me choked up about surrendering her dog, how did I know this wasn't the hardest decision she'd ever had to make?  What if she tried allergists, medication, special bath products?  Or  looked into ripping up all of her carpet in order to put down hard wood floors and that still wouldn't have made a difference?  As much as she hated the situation, her child comes first.  And her hope, if I assume the best, was that her dog would find a loving home as opposed to being put to sleep in a cold exam room, alone and confused.

Sadly, sometimes it's not until I find myself in a situation that I am able to empathize and then truly understand where people are coming from.  I hear so many stories of people being hit by this economy and uncertain job market that makes them reevaluate their priorities.  Myself included.  Because of this, I work to assume that people are doing their best.  Might this be a sweeping generalization?  Sure.  But I'd rather start by assuming the best, than assume the worst and be wrong about someone else's story.

Comments

[Sarah Lena]

This? Is why I love you.

I was the same girl. And am now making the same re-evaluations.

[Jennie]

This is a really good post. I'd be really proud to be your friend and hopefully get to be, come August :)

[Erin]

I love this. Isn't it amazing how growing up, finding new experiences, and living a little can really change our perspectives?

[bessie.viola]

Love this, and love you. I've been doing a lot of this thinking lately as we're getting ready to move... it's a scary time, but you're right. Every single person I meet is simply doing the best they can. Sometimes we're lucky enough to see it.

[Leandra]

Yeah. I'm a judger, too. Or I guess I should say I was a judger. I now realize that the "bad" stuff can happen to even the best and hardest working people so I cut other people some slack so that I can cut myself some slack.

Great post!

[pseudostoops]

Yes! Assumed goodwill! I try really really hard (with varying success) to live by this as well. It is so hard sometimes, but I find that in addition to being kinder to others, it makes *me* happier, too, to assume that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.

[Angella]

Beautiful post, Sam.

[AndreAnna]

Awesome.

I always try to live this way as much as I can. Thanks for the reminder.

[Maggie]

Thanks for posting this. This definitely was me, especially about pets but since I have become "that" person I have become less judgmental about many things.

[Papa Bradstein]

Yeah, I knew everything when I was younger. Now that I'm older, I know much less.

[Jen Rudolph]

This is so well-put. With age comes wisdom -- trite, but true. It is so hard to know what someone else has gone through to make the decisions they make. I believe everyone tries to do what they believe is best -- sometimes best for them, sometimes best for others. Life is not perfect and neither are we.

[Terri]

I really do know someone who had a like-new, seemingly high, wooden privacy fence torn down (big suburban corner lot too) and had an even taller wooden privacy fence built. The med. size dog still continued to jump it. She returned it to the shelter because she was terrified that the dog would get hit and if that wouldn't be bad enough, her kids would see it. See? You are right as usual.

[Kate]

Love, love, LOVE this! I feel like the past two years (becoming a mother and struggling with finances in this down economy) has changed me for the better in this regard. It's been hard at times but if the trade-off is being a better person, one less likely to judge, I'll take the hardships any day.

[Kerri Anne]

Very well said. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt whenever I catch myself with a potentially raised eyebrow, though I don't always succeed. And then I remember I'm a work in progress, just like everyone else.

[Jen]

Karma has a way of slapping us in the face over these judgments we make (even the small ones in our head that we just can't help!) I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt and remind myself that a) I don't know the whole story and b) I'm not them. It's tough sometimes, though. By nature, we judge.

[Maria]

So much yes, yes yes.

[Melissa]

This post is great, Sam. REALLY great.

I think nursing knocked a lot of judgment out of me. The first day of our orientation, we were told if we thought we were too good to wipe someone's butt, to leave immediately. We were told we needed to learn the names of the housekeeping staff and cafeteria staff more than the names of the doctors (i.e. never look down at people who don't have degrees) because those are the people who would be doing us favors at 3am. (It was true.) Every patient has their own story, and no matter what you think of them at first, whether they have dirty clothes or drive a fancy car or did something stupid or wrong... you often get surprised that there's much more to the situation, much more to the person, than first meets the eye. And I love that 99% of the time you're surprised for the better. Most people are good at heart. Most people, like you said, are just doing the best they can. I hope I can raise my kids to see that too.

[Pocklock]

I love this. I find myself VERY MUCH in the same situation over and over. We judge like it's part of our human make-up and it has to be a conscious decision not to. I feel like it should be the other way around, but somehow it's not.

[Sara @ Belle Plaine]

Agreed. A thousand times over.

[Belly Girl]

This is such a timely post for me - I could have written the EXACT same thing...and included breastfeeding and screaming tantrums in Target just to name a couple. You hit it dead on - you truly don't know what it's like until you experience it.

[Eleanor's Trousers]

Spot on. I really try to assume that people are doing the best that they can. And to feel blessed with what I have when I see people struggling a little more.

[Rougeneck]

I am with you a thousand and eleventy percent. Life is never what we planned. Never what we assumed. All I know is what goes on behind my closed doors. I don't know what goes on behind anyone else's so I try to respect their choices and not judge.

[serror]

So very true! What a great post! Also, with age and experience come understanding. Great stuff.

[Kelsey]

Yes! I am trying to do the same - remind myself that I don't know the circumstances and assume that everyone is doing the best they can/ the best they know how.

[Nic]

I needed to read this today. I have had my empathy blinders on recently and it's not doing anyone any good.