I'm here to make you look good

Ways in which I excel at Motherhood:

1).  Earlier in the week I was putting Theo to bed.  His room was pitch black as usual, and as I was holding him he said what he always says, "Mommy rub ma back?"  So I did what I always do and walked over to his crib to put him in on his tummy.  But I must have, I don't know, gotten LOST or something and misjudged where I was in relation to the crib because when I went to put him down I heard a loud THWACK and then a tiny "Ouch."  Yes friends.  Right before sending my child off into a restful sleep, I crack his head on the side of the crib.  I can't even tell you just how LOUD it was.  And the fact that all he said was "ouch" made my heart hurt even more.  I kissed him all over, told him mama was so sorry, asked if he was okay.  I was crying by this time because I felt just so awful, and had horrid thoughts running through my head such as: "Well, he might have a concussion.  But it's bed time.  So if he sleeps that's a bad thing, but if I keep him up and he DOESN'T have one then us all staying awake for no reason sure would suck.  WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDOOMG?!?"  His response?  "Mommy move!  Rub ma back?"  Sigh.  He was of course fine but I needed half a bag of Rolos to feel better.

2).  Theo is a really good eater as I'm sure you can tell by photos.  The camera may add ten pounds but trust me, homeboy is taking no prisoners when it comes to meal time is what I'm saying.  So overall dinner isn't a hassle.  We do run into the occasional problem when he's a wee bit crabby and instead of announcing "All done!" he chooses instead to chuck his food off his high chair.  This is obviously an area we're working on.  Well, Friday night gave us a visit from the Whambulace and dinner was proving to be stressful for both of us.  He had finished most of his meal except for a few apple chunks.  I saw the signs.  I knew what was coming.  So just as he started to flip out and raise his apple-filled paw I grabbed his wrist to stop him and tell him No.  Well the act of me holding his wrist threw him into a full-body rage and he flailed so mightily my thumbnail jabbed just below his left eye, causing it to bleed.  The look that crossed his face in those first seconds of it happening was that of betrayal and heart break.  Oh the open-mouthed SOBBING and quarter-sized TEARS!  I truly felt horrible but the icing on the cake?  Was when, in the middle of it all he wails, "I eat it mommy! I eat it!" and popped the apple chunk in his mouth, which he then choked on because he couldn't eat it AND sob at the same time.  Really, the meal from start to finish could not have been more flawless.

3).  I apparently have no regard for my son's incredibly painful diaper rash, thus proven at the exact moment I forgot and goosed his diapered tushie, making him cry.

Let us all say a collective prayer that Theo will make it to see his second birthday, no thanks to me.

Comments

[Cass]

I totally did that head whack thing the other night and was in a fit of "keep her up, NO, put her toe bed, keep her up" so instead I checked on her every 20 minutes and worried. Shouldn't they have like an indicator light that says "I have a concussion". It's making me question this whole theory of evolution.

[Taryn]

Crying. Tears. Laughter. Oh, Sam, you're not failing at motherhood. You are simply human.

Going to share one of my recent "mother-excelling" moments with you...oh, which one to pick... how about this: I was going to bring Juni in for some (free) portraits at the mall, and then she fell down the stairs (one or two, I don't know, I WASN'T WATCHING HER BECAUSE I WAS CHECKING BLOGS), and she got a red mark on her forehead from where she fell (yes, there was crying) and THAT'S why we don't have any portraits of her this weekend. The end.

[melissa]

I took my first daughter (now 7) to the bathroom at McDonalds to wash her up, and sat her on the counter. She was 18months or so, so she was wobbly, and fell over and clunked her head on the faucet, which left a nice cut and bled. I hightailed it out of there, to my husband waiting outside, trying to explain without crying, and obviously i checked on her ever 30 seconds the rest of the day because omg who lets that happen. So, don't worry. Apparently we all do these things and can't control it.

[Jen]

I did the head-whack when Maggie was like, TWELVE DAYS OLD, or something insane like that. The funny thing? I was so exhausted and out of my mind with exhaustion I couldn't even cry. I barely even acknowledged it. Now I look back and want to DIIIIEEE from sadness.

The stabbing him in the eye thing? HEARTBREAK.

We yelled at Maggie every night for a week last year because she kept whining that her 'bum hurt' from her rash and we thought she was just being dramatic. It was a diaper rash for God's Sake. But (as you know) it turned out to be STREP BUTT. OMG.

We all win at parenting. Clearly. It'll be amazing if our kids don't end up in therapy by age 5.

[the new girl]

One time, when my first kid was really little, I was SO sleep deprived, I was half-asleep patting her butt and then woke up all the way to find that I was repeatedly thumping her on THE HEAD. omg.

I love that he was all, 'Whatever. GET TO THE RUBBING MA BACK, WOMAN!'

[Sarah Lena]

Yeah, um, so you know my kid ate cat poop, right? I THINK I WIN.

My favorite story ever was my friend Steph, who was nursing a sick two year old and he woke her up in the middle of the night with a fever. Without coming fully awake, she rolled over and popped a baby Tylenol in his mouth.

When she woke up, the baby Tylenol was still on her nightstand. Missing? Was the BUTTON FROM THE SEWING SHE HAD BEEN WORKING ON.

Just part of it, dear.

[kirsten]

OMG I am dying over some of these comments - DYING. Seriously, I love and hate posts like this because it makes me feel more normal to know others moms are doing this too - and yet it also makes my heart ache at all the times I've caused those big crocodile tears on my own kid. Thank goodness we've ALL been there. You are not alone!!
(but dude, the button thing sent me over the edge...that is one helluva story - and I have a niece who ate cat poop. ew)
HUGS mama, you're doing a good job - and hey, at least you are feeling crappy about stuff like that - think about all those moms who do stuff like that all the time and never feel bad about it!!

[Angella]

I've totally done the head thwack. Because I'm awesome.

These stories are fantastic.

[Andrea (@shutterbitch)]

Okay, chiming in w/ my own.

My son was 4 and my daughter was only a couple weeks old. We were laying in my bed snuggling and I was trying to get both of them to sleep for the night. My daughter was swaddled in my arms and my son was snuggled up next to me, the TV flickering in the background and it was so pleasant, so relaxing... that I fell asleep too. You know how I woke up? By fracking DROPPING my daughter ass over teakettle onto my son. She rolled right out of my arms in her little sausage blanket shape and landed on his belly, a fall of literally only an inch or so seeing as how she rolled down my side and onto him. We all woke up then, my son to tell me, "Hey! I was sleepin' Mama!" My daughter to say WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN I DEMAND A MULLIGAN ON THE PARENTAL ASSIGNMENT and me because oh. mah. gawd. I just dropped my weeks old daughter. If I'd have dropped her on the other side, she'd have fallen off the bed onto the floor, three FEET from the floor instead of just an inch onto her brother. I was sick thinking about what *could* have happened. It still squicks me out some.

Also, there was a 6 week period where she continually fell on her face enough to have a black eye the whole time. I swear I was watching her, nearly caught her a couple times from the faceplant of death, but my fingertips would brush her shirt and that's it. Even though I never inflicted any of those bruises on her, even accidentally, I felt so responsible and horrible. We call her Bruiser now. She's a badass.

[Andrea (@shutterbitch)]

For clarification, she was 18 or so months old when she black eyed herself for the summer. And learning to walk.

[alice]

oh man, these are KILLING ME. i don't have a kid, obvs, but some anecdotes i'm sure my parents wish they could forget:

i regularly ate both cat food and NEWSPAPER growing up. my mom would find me with black newsprint all over my face from cramming it in my maw.

my dad once moved the couch out from the wall to do some small home repair - while he was supposed to be watching my ~18mo old sister - and got distracted by his task. he remembered he was supposed to be watching her riiiight about when he saw her take the two nails she'd be sucking on out of her mouth and insert them into the electrical socket that had been uncovered from the couch move.

[Lisa G.]

OMG, this made me laugh so hard. Especially all of it (yeah, couldn't pick a moment). lol

[bessie.viola]

Oh, I am laughing. With you, not at you, I promise. I think that motherhood is just CHOCK FULL o'fail sometimes... just can't help it.

If it will make you feel better, you can read my disaster diaper post today. I had FOUR WIPES on me. Seriously, what sort of a rookie does that?

[Maggie]

I totally did the head whack too when I dropped...yes dropped...Ainsley into her crib. Lovely. I have scratched each of the twins countless times while changing their diapers with my ring mostly but the kicker is when they look at me (like Theo) in betrayal and hurt, the bottom lip puffs up and they say, "mommy, why did you hurt me?" and start crying! It is then that I promise them a new car.

[lilfootsmommy]

Been meaning to get here for DAYS to make YOU look good with my own tale of mommyFAIL!

When Cassie was maybe 4 or 5 months old we had just gotten home from being out all day. I set her down on our oversized chair and a half with her head by the back cushion and feet toward the edge of the chair. She wasn't rolling over or crawling yet so I thought it was fine and I was only 5 feet away at the laundry closet in our living room. Well 5 feet away was too far. While she wasn't rolling over or crawling yet, she was pumping her legs in and out, up and down. Back and forth, over and over again. She did it so much that she scootched her butt closer and closer to the edge of the chair and bam, she went over the edge landing ass over tea kettle and finally smacking her nose flat on the floor. She screamed, I screamed, we both cried and I freaked right out! I thought for sure I had broken her. She wound up being fine and we didn't even have a dr. or emergency room visit. She walks a little crooked but they say it'll wear off when she's older ;) (kidding)!!!

So, see? I totally made you look like mother of the year!!! It's all part of mom's growing pains. Kids are made of rubber anyway, they bounce right back!