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An Open Letter To The Cats

Cats:

Seriously, what's up with the peeing? That needs to stop. Not in general mind you--I understand about things like that. I just mean it needs to stop happening ON THE DAMN CARPET. The two gallons of Nature's Miracle that we bought are TOTALLY coming out of your allowance.

And what's with the whining? Can we stop that please? Because I have thoroughly evaluated your life compared to mine and you have nothing, NOTHING! to complain about. Don't make me bust out a flow chart, 'cuz I will.

While we're at it, I'd like to put in a small request: can I please go to the bathroom alone at least once a day? Is that asking too much? I don't rub up against you when you're peeing on the carpet or talk to you while you're pooping. I'm not saying I'm better than you, it's just I think we need to even things up around here. And if I could be so brazen, I'd like to requst that The Morning Pee be the one I go at alone. I'm not really chippy first thing out of bed, and I think this arrangement would be mutually exclusive. I'll still feed you breakfast, so no need to remind me. Honest.

If you two could get on this, I'd appreciate it. It would be a much happier household, and I'll even tell you where I'm hiding the fresh catnip.

Love,
Mom

Whatever it is I think I see. . .

I'm having a hell of a time trying to think of something to say that doesn't involve a labor-intensive post because I'm freakin' exhausted. I mean c'mon, who are we kidding, I always have something to say. But dude, I'm too tired to say it.

I could post some pictures, but our camera/computer combo is being a pain and won't let me load the pics. Grr. Um, how about this:

Zach was walking around the apartment, griping about anything and everything as usual. I was lounging on the floor reading a magazine when he marched over to me and backed up into my face. Now normally I'd recoil and push him away. But this time? I flipped the f- out because he had dried pieces of poo stuck to his tail/hind end area. Then when I screamed he ran off and they fell, leaving a trail of tootsie rolls on the carpet. Cleo got all bent out of shape at that because she's a priss and won't tolerate such filth. I cleaned it all up and moved on with my day.

Until I thought of something.

How many times has he had that problem? And how many times as he sat on my pillow?

Because we don't have children. . .

. . .I am subjecting you to pictures of our cats. One of which added a whole NEW level of stress when he decided to start peeing on our carpet. And no, he does not have UTI. Fun.

Plus I don't feel like writing anything of minimal importance, so you get some photos. Enjoy.

I think I already know the answer, but. . .

. . .is it wrong to accidently fart on the guinea pig you're taking care of?

Tanta Lollo

Well, I'm a day late but I'm still going to deliver what I promised: German Guinea Pig Love. Just to refresh, click here for Part One. I'll wait.

_______ _________

_______ _________

Okay. Well, Walter is back! And she's not alone! I can't do the explination justice, so just read for yourself.

"Dear Samantha!

I hope you are fine!

Newsflash!!! In the end of June I bought a second pig. I could not resist. Aunt Lollo moved in. A cute blonde-brown monster-cookie. I thought that will be nice for Walter, a friend to talk and have fun. No way!! Walter is a bitch. Sorry to say, but she is. . .Aunt Lollo has to keep calm sometimes when Walter as here 5 minutes. You will see. We are going to make everything ready for you. Hay, bedding, food and a fence. The fence is better than a basket. When you clean the cage just put the pigs in it and they can walk around a bit. Veggies and Salads in the fridge."

That was the first letter before I sat for them. Here is the second letter between Pet Sitting Dates One and Two:

"Hi Samantha,

Sorry for this late response on your Mail. Walter and Lollo told me about your excellent pet care and they were really happy to know that you will keep care for the next weeks. I fly back [deleated personal information] at [deleated]. Perhaps you could be so nice and give them on [deleated] in the morning a petit breakfast.

Thanks for your help to our pets and take care,

(German Guinea Pig Family)"

Now I have *two* little McNuggets running around squeaking like mad. Plus they eat better than Bryan and I do. The salads and veggies in the fridge? FROM WHOLE FOODS.

Good Lord I need to start charging more.

Go ahead. Say it. She's heard 'em all.

Que Theme Song From Rocky

She made it! Cleo is stone-free and doing as well as can be expected, considering she had her abdominal wall cut open and jagged stones scraped out of her bladder. But yeah, Cleo is just peachy! Her surgery only lasted 30 minutes which is super fast, and that's good because she wasn't under for very long and her body temperature didn't have time to drop. All good news. There were only two stones in there and they are now being shipped to The University of Michigan for analysis. Once we get the results back we will know what kind of food she will need to eat to prevent such nasty stones from re-forming. Stupid stupid stones!

Here is our friend The Monitor to be sure Cleo is getting the proper rate of IV Fluids into her tinytiny veins. This is so she stays hydrated and to be sure she can urinate. Yeah for urination!

Here is The Saddest Vet Patient Ever with her little leg bandaged (The pink matches her sutures--always the fashion plate. Thanks vet tech Liz for being so attentive to detail! Liz even drew a flower on her bandage, even though you can't see it). She is a very depressed little girl, but since she urinated around 4 p.m. she will be able to come home tomorrow. Hooray!

And here is one more picture just because she's so stinkin' cute. I swear she was trying to get me to take her home. "Hey, um, I'm feeling, like, SO much better so I think it would be a great idea if I could go home. Whatdoya say?" "I love you but no."

Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts. She's doing great so I am too.

Now, who wants to help me settle the vet bill? Anyone?

Stoney Stonerton

This is a face we love with a mad passion:

This is the kitty who stood by my when I lived alone and, due to a crazy pooping illness that lasted 4 months, got up with me 3-5 times a night and sat with me in the bathroom:

This is the kitty who is lucky she is so stinkin' cute:

Thursday she will be going in for surgery to remove her bladder stones. I took her into the vet today for what I thought was a UTI. They put the ultrasound probe on her and found two huge honkin' stones. My jaw fell on the ground. Not MY Cleo kitty. You must be talking about someone ELSE'S cat, because mine does NOT get sick. Ever. Nor will she ever die thankyouvermuch. But sadly he was talking about her and she needs to have them surgically removed. Thursday.

Yeah I was a vet tech and yeah I assisted in these surgeries and yeah I know all about it blah blah blah but when it's your own, TOTALLY different. My poor baby will have to be hospitalized for two nights (!), need major surgery that is fairly invasive, and have a mean old nasty IV in her tiny tiny arm. I felt like I got punched in the gut. After they send the stones out for analysis, she will more than likely need RX cat food for the rest of her life. I am totally fine with that as long as it helps her long term. Plus I don't think she's going to like it that much since it's pretty bland.

So now I'm a wreck until it's over. Please send loving and calm thoughts our way. Or Xanax. Whichever.

Vet visit to determine bladder stones: $107.00
Bladder stone removal surgery and hospital stay: $800.00
Having to start a payment plan with the vet to ensure a happy and healthy kitty for many more years to come: PRICELESS

The Best Pet-Sitting Instructions E-V-E-R

I pet sit on the side. I used to be a vet tech so my skills come in handy, espcially if there is a pet who needs regular medical care (meds, saline drips, insulin shots, etc). I get to meet cool animal freak people like myself and also get to fall in love with all the animals out there that I can't have. I am used to getting a laundry list of Fluffy's likes and dislikes upon my arrival, and have no problem adhering to the given routine. Want to make the pet happy = do what owner says. Plain and simple.

Well, I am now pet sitting for a German couple (have only been in the States for 6 months) that lives on the property. We know each other so when they needed to go out of town they contacted me to care for their beloved guinea pig. Here is the letter that Mr. German emailed me detailing the schedule for the pig. English is not his first language. I have omitted anything mentioning where they live or where they are going. Everything I write is verbatim, straight from his mouth:

"We would like to ask for you a big favor. Our Guinea Pig need some support during our vacation. The pig is called Walter and 3 month old. Walter is a girl, but she is a rebel and has a behave like a small boy. Therefore she got the name Walter :-) She does not like the stroke and cuddle. She prefers running and nibble on cables and furniture. Unfortunatley :-( She is young, maybe she will change if she is getting older. Anyhow, we love our crazy Walter.

Walter has a special place for her 'digestion business.' I take the wet bedding out and fill it up. You do not need to let her running outside during our holiday. It takes too much time. She goes everywhere and I have to sit in the middle to say every 3 minutes 'No, not the cable, not the chair Walter.' If she should find a way to escape do not worry, leave the cage open put some salad in it and she will come. Sooner or later.

I really hope you can do the job. Send us a mail and we will be really happy."

This side-gig ROCKS!

And as an aside, Walter really is a crazy mo-fo.