Back To Me

Okay people listen up! *claps hands*

First things first: on Tuesday we find out the gender of this little chicken cookin' in ma belly. How nuts is that? Yeah I'm excited but it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around. Like, I still can't really totally belive that I'm pregnant. That this is real. So, the thought of finding out if we're going to have a boy or a girl is just kinda "Yeah right. Suuuuuure we're going to know who is in there and then begin to call them by name. Uh-huh. Nice one." I'm almost waiting to get Punk'd or something. But whenever I start to feel like all this is a dream, I seem to get an ultrasound that just smacks me in the face with reality. Baby! In my tummy! Cute! Awwwwwwwww! So yeah, that's what's going on. I'd love to know what you all think we're having. I'll go first: from the second the stick turned positive, I thought girl. Not wishful thinking, just A Feeling. A billion-and-one people thought so too. Right off the bat, everyone called the girl card. I don't think a single person mentioned boy. But the last two weeks I now TOTALLY think this kid is a boy. And more and more people are changing their minds to boy as well. I'm not trying to sway you, but only giving you all the necessary information needed to make an educated guess. Have at it. I can't wait to tally up the votes :-)

Second: Some of you have emailed me asking for my address because you want to send me/the baby something. This just blows me away. Little ol' me? C'mon! You don't have to send me/us anything at all. Totally. But I can only fight and argue and protest so much over email so if I know you (as in, have had conversations with you and feel you're not creepy) I will give you our address. I only ask that you please wait until we move. If I have to pack one more thing I think I will have a heart attack and die, and what good is sending a gift to a dead person? You all are just too damned nice. I love you all, and no, I don't think that's the hormones talking.

So that's that. I'm gonna go pee for the third time since I've gotten home from work. And yes, I know you're happy to know that tidbit of information.

Wrinkle In Time

Madeleine L'Engle died yesterday.

It's a sad time for our family, as Bryan studied with her in New York in the early 90's.  She took him under her wing and helped him become a better writer, helped him build a community in a strange and scary city, and introduced him to a wonderful church.  She was an amazing person and a truly gifted author.  He had always wanted to introduce us, but with her failing health over the years it was never possible.  We'd get Christmas cards from her and her family with updates and well-wishes.  Even though she and I never met, I will miss her very much.

If we have a daughter, we have always intended to name her after Madeleine, and I can't think of a better gift to give our child.

Notes from The Wake

1).  Why would someone find it socially acceptable to say, at someone's WAKE where people are clearly MOURNING, "Hmm.  Haven't seen you in a while.  That's too bad, since I thought we'd be invited to your wedding."  Dude, that was five years ago and hel-LO!  How about some tact and respect.  Do me a favor and shut the hell up.

2).  Staring at my grandpa in the casket made me sad, yes.  But seeing my mom's best friends come to support her made me start bawling.

3).  There are A LOT of people on this side of the family that I do not know even existed.

4).  Seeing people cry makes me uncomfortable.

5).  Apparently I have grown a lot in the last 15 years.  Go figure.

6).  Tomorrow is going to be rough.

*Deep breath* *Exhale*

My other grandpa died last night.

I am such a Patt

A few random thoughts, as I have had much time to think and ponder. This is my week of mourning, and I will be back with a book meme and everyday life traumas next week. Until then. . . .

--I had never been to a funeral before. Wakes, yes, funerals, no. But this wasn't just any funeral, it was my grandpa's. And they had the Flag Folding Ceremony, since he served in WWII in the Battle of the Bulge. I don't know how I remained standing, or how I was able to make it through. But every time I thought "That's it. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to say good-bye" I would look at my grandma, full of poise and dignity, and think that if she can do it surely I could too.

--I have never wanted a sibling, namely a sister, more so in my entire life. I felt alone. There are four grandchildren, all girls. Three are sisters, and then there is me. We're a family, yes, but obviously they have a bond with each other that I don't. I had my mom and Bryan, but it's not the same. I wanted another Patt grandchild to be able to look at and know what we were going through was the same, and that we would get through it like all the other times before. I didn't have that. It was heart-wrenching.

--I 'get' it now. I get that people going through a time of loss and grief need support, and usually silent support. Just knowing a close friend of my mom's was there for her to lean on meant so much. All of your wonderful thoughts and well-wishes were deeply appreciated and cherished. My dad did die 23 years ago but I was too young to realize what was going on. My grandfather is the first person truly close to me that has passed away, and now I understand what it's like to grieve. My apologies out there to anyone who has lost someone and I didn't know what you needed from me. I know now.

--I love and appreciate my family more than ever. I felt unity, and it's not that I never felt that before, but it was different this time. It was just me and my mom growing up, with family gatherings sprinkled in throughout the year. I'm not used to larger families. I relished in the fact that we were all together, rallying around each other doing whatever needed to be done. We were free to express our grief and sorrow without embarrassment. We shared in this. And I needed to feel that.

--My only regret is that grandpa never got to meet our children. We weren't in a place to have children years ago, but still, I will always wish I could have a picture of him holding our newborn in the hospital with that sly smile on his face. But he was at my wedding and my own father was not, so for now that will have to be enough.

I love you grandpa and will take good care of grandma for you. I promise.

In Loving Memory

"We little knew that morning
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again."

Clifford R. Patt 1918-2006

Clifford R. Patt 1918-2006
Originally uploaded by samanthajo.

That's my grandpa. He died this morning in his sleep, next to his wife of 65 years. It was VERY unexpected and has shaken me up pretty bad. He was my dad's father, so it adds a whole other dimention of sadness, since my dad died 24 years ago. At least they are together now. He is also my first grandparent to pass away. I have been blessed to have had all four of my grandparents alive until today. This is very new to me.

I have a lot of things on my mind, but don't really know how to say them. I will write more when I am able. The wake is tomorrow (obit in the Trib for those of you in Chi-town) and the funeral is Wednesday. Sigh. It's going to be tough.

Home Sweet Home

We're back. I'm still getting in my post for today. See how dedicated I am? Even at this late hour? After I've been driving in the car (me, driving the whole time due to my vertigo mind you) for 5 1/2 hours and I have to work in the morning? I still bring you a post.

And with that being said I'm off to go to bed, and will post more tomorrow. But this TOTALLY still counts.

Physical therapy with Grandma McGehee in Cincinnati

Physical therapy with grandma McGehee in cincinnati
Originally uploaded by bryan campen.

I took this picture of Bryan walking with his grandmother at physical therapy this afternoon. It was a sight that literally brought tears to my eyes. He walked around the room with her the whole time, putting a hand on her shoulder or just offered encouraging words. I also love the sight of him being 6'3" and her standing tall at 4'9".

She fell and broke her vertebre (T 11 I think, the one just below the bra strap) and had surgery a few days ago to repair it. She's doing so well she gets released tomorrow and will go to a rehab center for a few weeks. Grandma was also feeling quite spunky because her hairstylist paid her a visit and fixed her hair--brushed it and put it in the signature twist.

It was wonderful seeing her again--I haven't seen her since January of 2003. She can't make the drive out to Chicago and it's more difficult for me to get time off work to make it out there. It was great being by her side and seeing the rest of the family (two aunts, two uncles, 6 cousins) too.

Thank you for all your kind words of thoughts and encouragement. They are much appreciated. I will be back home late Friday night.  Don't wait up.

Who The Hell Am I?

I just went to a nine year old's wake tonight; the grandson of someone I work with. He died of leukemia. He got it when he was three. His sister gave him her bone marrow and added an extra 14 months to his life. He died Saturday, four months before he turned ten.

He never got to add a second digit to his age.
He never got to have a first kiss.
He never got to learn how to drive a car.
He never got to go to prom.
He never got to graduate from high school and wear a mortarboard with tassel.
He never got to get married and make love to his wife.
He never got to see his children.
He never got a chance to live because he had cancer for six out of nine years of his life.

What the hell am I complaining about? Wah wah wah I have to deal with the insurance company. Boo hoo hoo I have some back pain that isn't PERMANENT and WILL GET BETTER. I have a house. A job. A husband. A future. I got to cherish the beautiful sunset tonight. Jesse didn't.

Visit his memorial page here. View the slide show--he always had a smile on his face. I hope he's smiling now, since his body doesn't have to fight any more.

Peace be with you Jesse.