I have been on bed rest for two weeks and one day (including hospital time). I don't know how much longer I have at this.
It is now time for a pity party. For the record, I'm about to throw down a lot of "It's not fair-s" and "Why me-s" and I just want to preface that by saying yes, I know life isn't fair. I also know TONS of wonderful women have been through this as well, and it wasn't fair to them either. I am not special. I am not the first to go through this. No one out there deserves this. I am aware of all that. Truly. I also know this is completely worth it because it's for the safety of our son. I don't question that. I'm the mom and this is what I signed up for when we decided to get pregnant. But that doesn't make this any less hard. Any less eye-clawingly miserable. But I'm still feeling sorry for myself so therefore, indulge me.
All my other pregnant friends are attending their own showers and decorating their nurseries. All my other pregnant friends are able to go get the mail. They are able to go to work, go grocery shopping, take out the garbage, and change the sheets on the bed. They can take longer than a 10 minute shower, and do it daily. They can go get their hair done, get a pedicure, get a massage. They won't be labeled "High Risk" for any future pregnancies. They won't have to question if getting pregnant again is a risk worth taking. My other pregnant friends are (most likely) going to be able to go home with their babies.
I have cut out deli meats, hot dogs, soft cheeses, and all the other pregnancy no-no's from my diet. I never drank coffee or soda so that isn't an issue either. Some people have actually given me crap for all the things I'm not eating, because I'm 'over reacting' and 'won't die' if I have those things in moderation. My philosophy was that there are enough bad things that could happen under normal circumstances, so why add something for me to feel guilty about if, God forbid, anything DID happen? So at least I'm sitting here not going down the list of all the things that I shouldn't have done that I did anyway. Someone even tried to push a glass of wine at me a few months ago saying "Oh c'mon. You'll be FINE. Women in Europe do it all the time!" Thanks, but no thanks, and screw you.
All of that precaution, and here I am. I am not saying I'm the perfect pregnant woman by any means. I am also not saying that any woman who DOES include those things in her diet SHOULD have pre-term labor or be 'punished' in any way. Not at all. But this is a pity party remember? Oh-woe-is-me, blah blah blah.
I have been removing plastic from our home because of the chemicals. I have switched over to non-toxic cleaning products. I take my vitamins, eat organic whenever I can, and do my best to have a balanced diet.
We planned this baby. I was on pre-natal vitamins for four months before we even TRIED to get pregnant. Because I wanted my body to be a healthy place for our unborn child. And now every day I have to assess the state of my uterus. Count contractions. Monitor my blood pressure. Not get up. Not do anything. Except lay around and worry (and try NOT to worry) about the right thing to do.
I am on meds that are wreaking havoc with my body. How long do I stay on them? When is a good time to say, "Well, if he's born now it will be fine." Does anyone really know? How much do I put my body through before it gets to be too much? And isn't that part of being a mother? The sacrifice?
Yes. I ask myself "Why me?" and say "This isn't fair!" and feel guilty right away. Overall I have a pretty cush life. But sitting on the couch, doing one of four things over and over and over again, planning a list in my head of the million things I COULD be doing, makes me feel really sorry for myself.
So I sit. And will continue to sit. And wait and wait some more. Because that's all I can do.
